When you become a parent, especially a working parent, feeling guilty comes home with you from the hospital. Lately it seems as though I have had more than my fair share of things that have made me feel guilty when it comes to my kids. My guilt really reared it's ugly head when I went back to work after Thanksgiving, meaning my kids had to start going to daycare again, and I was happy to have some adult conversation and to use my brain for something other than arranging play dates and deciding what to make for supper. I have been feeling incredibly guilty about uprooting Cayden from a life that he knew and not moving all of his stuff into our little apartment after telling him it would be here (see the 2011 recap for a description of his new hoarding tendency and how I do say it is all my fault). And the latest feeling of guilt is that my body decided (not my brain) that I was done nursing Harper. It breaks my heart to hear her cry and to not be able to comfort her in a way that only I was able to do and even thinking about it now makes me want to cry.
With all of my guilt weighing me down (it's no wonder I haven't lost the last of the baby weight yet) I feel like I have been doing everything, from being a mommy and being a wife to work, half way. So last night, after Cayden decided he wanted to sleep on the floor of the hallway instead of in his bed, I made a decision to have one more New Year's resolution...let it all go, no more hanging on to feelings of guilt. It's OK for me to enjoy being at work some days and to be just as proud of what I accomplish there as I am of my kids and having my cubicle filled with pictures of my kids helps. Cayden now has all (well almost all) of his toys and belongings back and is getting adjusted to a new routine and finally a new, permanent home. Harper will be fine having to be on formula for the next few months until she is drinking regular milk. The 6 1/2 months that I was able to nurse her did more good for her body than I am sure I will ever know and there are lots of kids I know that have been raised on straight formula and who are just as happy and healthy as my kids. My kids are happy, healthy, independent and I just know that Cayden won't have to start school still wearing pull-ups (oh yeah, potty training is another thing that I have been feeling guilty about...that he's not and that some days I just don't have it in me to fight with him about it any more). After all of this reflection and deciding not to feel guilty, I just let Cayden sleep on the hallway floor and I think he woke up a happier kid because of it.
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